tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-85957348535393082552024-03-13T23:23:33.626-07:00finding our own wayMichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14302576823258207935noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8595734853539308255.post-78193893457023378972015-01-22T17:14:00.006-08:002015-01-28T16:58:57.439-08:00No Woman, No Cry<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I swore, in my mind, that I wouldn't write another post until I had attempted to write up Little E's birth story (with photos).<br />
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I haven't written anything about it anywhere (Oh how I wish I had a few more moments in my day for journaling) since its occurance... one year ago!! So this will be hopefully short and to the point and yet very meaningful.<br />
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First off, I had made this fabulous centering, tear jerking playlist so play one of my songs in the background while you read...<br />
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<a href="http://youtu.be/SE5cLqAe2AE" target="_blank">"I have never loved someone..."</a><br />
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and of course for my angel<br />
<a href="http://youtu.be/J9I9M4H9n_I" target="_blank">"waiting on an angel"</a><br />
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REALLY you have to have one playing while you read...<br />
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Knowing what I know now, giving birth to a well child after a very disabled child is one of the best decisions my husband and I have ever made. It may not be for everyone but in my heart I knew it was what I needed. I even felt it directly from God that life must continue on.<br />
There were not many times when I was worried that she would be healthy or not. I knew she was her very own seperate person.<br />
I worked with a hypnotherapist to come to terms with some of the untapped thoughts I was still processing from carrying John Michael. Just the pain of the unknown and the shocking chance of life. I knew I couldn't waste anytime in labor worrying about this new baby. I had to work that out before the first contraction ever started. Through lots of wonderful conversations with my doula, close friends and husband. Lots of prayer, meditation, the hypnotherapy and EFT tapping. I was able to come as far as possible in my healing journey. For, after all you cannot speed up healing. It has its own waves and curves, and sharp turns around the bend.<br />
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I remember one especially meaningful conversation during the prodromal labor phase where a soul sister told me that if I needed to I could birth this baby all by myself. No support whatsoever. That I was mentally and physically capable of birthing her with just her and me and God. <span style="text-align: center;">It was like the thought had never occured to me. If I was somewhere all alone this baby would still be born. I didn't need rescuing I just need to fall into labor releasing my body to the torrents it would take me through, just like life.</span><br />
Her words felt like a burst of oxygen. Enlightening and airy. What a realization.<br />
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In my first three births, and my personality in general, I was very "needy" in a somewhat normal way when laboring. To the point where I never wanted to be alone. That I feared anytime Clay would need to pee. I wanted four hands on me, my shoulders my feet my hands, at all times. Someone to tell me what to do.<br />
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This time was different.<br />
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The great benefit of laboring and stopping every day for days is that you are ready to do whatever it takes to finally and truly be in "active" labor and finish this race!<br />
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And so I was...<br />
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For the third night in a row labor had started and I had tried to sleep through the most intense contractions...<br />
until it was clear that wasn't a choice anymore.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0soyqCRG1BU/U_LHJJl5U-I/AAAAAAAAAIM/m1_9I0CCYCk/s1600/CalhounBirth-17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0soyqCRG1BU/U_LHJJl5U-I/AAAAAAAAAIM/m1_9I0CCYCk/s1600/CalhounBirth-17.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
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Right as things got serious, the power went out. For a moment I panicked and prayed that it would return soon so that the baby would be warm when born, forgetting completely that no electricity would have meant no water birth as planned either.</div>
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Soon my lovely doula arrived smelling like coffee and smoke but feeling like warmth and peace.</div>
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she comforted me like a wise mother hen.</div>
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but also gave me space and watched over me...</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-j1aK0x0KU5w/U_LIuLj3NlI/AAAAAAAAAIc/HtJz9aErhPI/s1600/CalhounBirth-19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-j1aK0x0KU5w/U_LIuLj3NlI/AAAAAAAAAIc/HtJz9aErhPI/s1600/CalhounBirth-19.jpg" height="320" width="213" /></a></div>
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( I love that picture. She looks like a queen)</div>
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Clay was and has always been my rock, his presence my instant grace</div>
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I remember, for the first time, feeling willing to work with my contractions instead of wasting energy resisting them. It was my most determined birth.</div>
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This is what Love can do. Love can carry you through the biggest moments of your life. I cannot fathom creating a birth day without being surrounded by love.</div>
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The power returned. Thankfully in time to fill the birth tub with hot water.</div>
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what gets the baby in gets the baby out.... LOVE</div>
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Praying and singing with Holy Mary was my saving grace. She knew suffering let me tell you...<br />
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I remember the feeling of Eleanor's entrance. I remember saying "I don't have to do this ever again if I don't want to.....</div>
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and just like that with a whoosh my doula caught her. Her first catch! and all the magic in the world was present there at the moment.</div>
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I said "I needed her. so much" </div>
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she and I had processed a lot that pregnancy and she was bringing me to another world of healing.</div>
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most babies are born in the middle of the night (especially when they have siblings.) All of my babies have been SUN babies waiting till daylight. not little e. she came during dreams, and was greeted by sleepy faces...<br />
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born at home, born with love, surrounded and greeted by family</div>
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SHE WAS OUR RAINBOW BABY</div>
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the first food after birth is always the best. curry chicken salad this time</div>
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now I love placentas. Your babies sibling that grows and nourishes with him. I love how amazing they are and beatiful. Eleanor's had some abnormalities. See the Y shaped attachment. Sometimes babies get their little feet in there and detach it. Even though it doesn't always mean danger it was just another reason to be grateful.</div>
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Daddy is reassuring John Michael that he is still our baby too and it's safe to let more love in<br />
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practically perfect in every way.<br />
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prayed and prayed for a sister</div>
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and so the bond begins!<br />
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THE moment. babies still get weighed this way :)<br />
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Yummy and FRESH. </div>
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Eleanor Brighid Calhoun </div>
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1/29/14</div>
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Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14302576823258207935noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8595734853539308255.post-61051426468226626012013-12-03T05:48:00.002-08:002013-12-03T05:48:47.598-08:00Is the Bible relevant?I am not going to get all theological or philosophical on you. This post is about three instances this year that I have gone through that repeatedly amazed me with how closely related they were to Scripture. This is just about me personally. This isn't me trying to prove anything other than the fact that an ancient book has a way of making me feel completely and totally NOT alone anymore.<br />
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Whenever I process something I have to get out it, usually multiple times. So if it was a bad day, I have to tell my husband, if it was really bad I tell my husband and my best friend. When I am processing something emotionally or trying to wrap my head around a new perspective I tell lots of people. People that care, mind you. People that know they are on my "I-process-things-through-opening-up-to-you" list. I don't even do this intentionally but apparently the need to hear myself say something over and over again convinces me of it's truth. This has happened a lot over the last year and half, as you can imagine, with all these shiny life lessons I get to learn through suffering (can you tell I am gritting my teeth through that sentence.. still smiling!).<br />
One of my more recent thoughts that I kept repeating was "I can think of a lot more people better equipped for this than myself." no REALLY. Did you want a list God because I have a good one. I mean I have friends that are so good at being selfless and accepting, and at the same time they are the best researchers--- they will find an answer to every mystery. They would be awesome "special" parents. Instead of myself, whom hates trying to find answers, doesn't trust medicine, gets really frustrated by uncoordinated people, plus let's add in that I am super emotional and sentimental about everything! I had such little exposure to people who lived differently, who's bodies worked differently. This is uncharted territory for me--- and I am not comfortable! (Fist shaking upward). Eh hem... composure. So in this repetitive phrase of "I am not cut out for this/there are better people for the job" my friend asked me....<br />
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"Didn't Moses say that?"<br />
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maybe.<br />
yes.<br />
He WAS waaaay underqualified. Oh stuttering Moses. I get you. What a big HUGE thing God asked of you that you were not comfortable with. (If you don't know what I am talking about this is where you go read yourself some Bible)<br />
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Once I had this reminder, that God does this all.the.time. I realized why. Remember how it brings Him Glory to choose people who it is obviously not by their own merit that anything good happens? If God gave John Michael to a Physical Therapist/alternative medicine guru, we could all look at her and say wow she is awesome! Look at how good she is at that and all the amazing things her son can do because she is so cut out for that! God always brings us to depend on him. Just like our babies depend on us, it is only fitting. He equips us in the moment with the wisdom and strength we need, not usually ahead of time.<br />
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The second instance is from way back earlier this year before I was pregnant and I actually did some hard core running. Hard core for me. Which meant running for five minutes without stopping for a break (there is a reason I am a dancer). Whenever my nervous system had to release all this pent up emotion I would go for a run and somehow feel like if I ran really fast all my problems would be solved. I could imagine I was running to get out of the dark cloud or sometimes I would imagine I was running towards John Michael, choosing him. This particular time I was running, I was in prayer. I do believe that God seeks to be Glorified in all things. Because if everything that is good is of Him, and if the only way for us to know anything good is to know Him then of course He wants to point us to... Him. As I was praying I was being convicted of this, that He sought to be glorified through John Michael. And I cried out ,<br />
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"BUT IF THERE WAS ANY OTHER WAY!!!!!!!"<br />
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Who said that? hmmmm someone did. Yes that is definately in the Bible. You probably already know but I think it took me a minute. Let me tell you, my Jesus, knowing the suffering that was coming, cried out to God and said "If there was any other way." If you, God, would be more glorified in an overnight healing of John Michael-- do that! If more people would look to the heavens giving thanks to you for seeing him make steady progress, or how about this... when he grows up he can be a speaker like Gianna Jessen? Or a singer like Andrea Bocelli? Do those things, choose those God. They bring glory right?<br />
I actually wrote this to my breast cancer warrior recently. We like to think that we know the best outcome is her healing. But just for a moment what if it is not? How can I know? I don't have eternal vision. I can't even picture my life 10 years from now. I wish so much that there was another way, but what if this IS the best way? What if I will be blessed the most by his not-healing? I don't know the answer, and I won't. But I do know that Jesus ended that prayer by saying "Not my will but YOURS."<br />
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Give that a minute before we go to the last one...<br />
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The most recent story is a dance studio one! Sometimes I feel like doing an expose on the life of a dance teacher. It should be all sparkly and happy and little girls giggling right? That would be awesome. That is why I do this after all. For my students. Thankfully the mama drama that comes out isn't as bad as Abby Lee Dance Co. (SIGH) but it is still there. When I was thinking about this in bed this morning I realized this is a normal part of life. I mean everyone has a riff with co-workers or clients? Isn't that routine for working with people? I don't handle it very well. I want every to LIKE me. I want us all to be friends. I don't like the smell of burning bridges. Something happened this year and it basically boils down to I am not being forgiven for something I didn't do. (That is not a typo.)This was earlier in the year, and I am still thinking about it. I seem to have trouble letting go of something that isn't even in my control. I was thinking about how desperately I want to be forgiven, how it hurts to take the blame for something when your intentions are good, when I saw again Jesus, only this time on the cross. I never really thought about his emotional pain. The physical would have been enough, but the pain of being hated by people you love, the pain of people being ungrateful for your gift, the pain of blamed while you are innocent. Jesus was only ever LOVE. If someone must take the blame for this person's hurt, I will take it. If you choose to not forgive me when I only ever gave Love, I will try to be like Him who suffered much more than I. Now that I think of it this applies to a lot of people. This situation is not unique to me. I am sure you have people in your life that misunderstood you and because of such treated you harshly. I am not saying we are all innocent. I am sure more often than not we are wrong in our actions and should be sorry, we are selfish.<br />
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So this whole idea that the Bible is outdated doesn't even make sense to me. There are feelings and experiences that every human naturally goes through and that hasn't changed.<br />
And you CAN find comfort in an ancient book.Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14302576823258207935noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8595734853539308255.post-16290032802459728552013-11-05T11:11:00.003-08:002013-11-05T16:20:45.504-08:00The Latest MantraHave I mentioned how much I love mantras? I think it keeps my head from spinning.. or sinking rather.<br />
Here is my latest and I gathered it from something my midwife said this week.<br />
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"Celebrate Life as it IS"<br />
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Not how it should be. Not how you thought it was going to be. Not even how it looks like it will soon be. But just today the way that it is. I love driving anywhere this time of year in Kansas. (Don't get me started on how much I will miss it if this is our last real fall for a few years!) How do you decide which jewel toned leaf is your favorite? I think in general my heart calms the most when I look at the trees that are golden, but that is usually just when they are standing next to a tree clad in red or orange. That is why it is so enticing to look down every street, they look so different because of who they are standing next to.<br />
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In front of my midwife's house is a small sugar maple that is red like fire. It is magnificent but mostly because it is next to an almost identical tree that is still all green. Everyone stops and stares. You want to take a picture. You point it out to your kids. We actually discussed the beauty of the tree in my appointment (that is why midwives are awesome). She encouraged me to work on celebrating my life the way that it is and focusing on things like the glory of that tree.<br />
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My first reaction to something like this is often one of offense. No matter how beautiful that tree is it doesn't compare to the pain I have carried. How does it do any good to look at it and be thankful that I got to see it?<br />
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I was convicted very strongly last week when I read in "Calm my Anxious Heart" that if you don't find a way to come to acceptance with your current circumstances you will ALWAYS have a spirit of discontent. It smacked me in the face. I have been really been struggling with accepting my reality, thought God knows how hard I am trying to. Mentally, I have been resisting it. But if I don't find a way to accept this I never will. I could live to be 50 years old and never come to terms with this. I HAVE TO CHOOSE to accept and embrace it and claim it as my reality.<br />
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So by looking at this tree and choosing to be thankful and to enjoy the pleasure it gives just to look at it and nothing else is a way of finding beauty, peace, and goodness. To recognize that I am still surrounded by good things even if it doesn't feel like it makes up for the bad. Even if the best part of my day is a red tree, or one quiet cup of coffee in the morning. It's okay. It's okay that it doesn't make up for the rest of the stress that comes. Or that it won't heal what hurts. But my only other option is to say no I can't enjoy that one small thing because I am sad and everything is sad. Which seems rational. Man, I would be miserable.<br />
Maybe if we relish those little tiny things we won't focus so much on the big things that we can't change and wish we could. More money, cleaner house, calmer kids, more time with friends etc. Try repeating over and over "I am going to celebrate my life as it is."<br />
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The sacred is everywhere, but you have to look for it....<br />
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" /><img src="https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSrC36a6Z0tqb1yCnF27Ly0khyXewxatAvcOXlzaBBDdJ6otVhPTw" /><img src="https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT3nuAAonqdzfokMdDWwOAxSf7RGuyRTZ1At_Wu_IK0CpKGTCdI7A" /><img src="https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQDkpvYEwcjRub1S5cVrpCdgCLjAg1ahu7gUbFV99VuDE65nkWs" /><br />
<br />Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14302576823258207935noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8595734853539308255.post-51617591548044098182013-10-10T20:43:00.004-07:002013-10-10T20:43:47.569-07:00the place between acceptance and hope<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<br />
<br />
I am tired of hoping.<br />
All I want to do now is to be here and accept that I am here. I have been trying to drill this into my brain and I have been repeating mantras like "this is my life" over and over just so I can get to the point of acceptance. Living in this battle between acceptance and hope is relentless, it has worn me down and I am done.<br />
This is actually a really huge step for me.<br />
I have been fortunate to become phone friends with someone who is an similar situation only her sweet boy is three years older than mine. I want so much to be where she is. I love that she can hear the things I have to say and identify 100% with me but say that is where she WAS. Yes it's still hard, probably really hard but it has become her new normal at long last. I want to stop missing normal. I want to stop feeling jipped and forgotten when people speak in generalities that leave out my son and me.<br />
This last week John Michael's intense spasms that have left me sobbing have taught me to let go of the death grip I had on a fistful of things I was not willing to see happen. Such as the inevitability of seizures, a feeding tube, a wheel chair etc. These are all things that initial doctors gave as a prognosis and I refuted it all. I wasn't in denial I just thought enough aspiration and perspiration and faith could get you where ever you wanted to go and you are allowed to just down right refuse possible outcomes and because of that refusal they won't happen.<br />
<br />
Let me put it this way;<br />
Whenever we have a new mom join our CMV Facebook group everyone gives the advice "don't have any expectations, just love them and let them show you who they are going to be."I feel like the truth is had I done that more maybe I wouldn't have been tormented so. That is why I cry at the thought of breastfeeding. Because I tried so hard for so long, with every ounce of hope and belief in miracles I had in me. I had an expectation. And it didn't happen. Just like when he was a few months old I had an expectation that surely when he turned one he would hold up his head. I was desperate for ANY signs of progress. So desperate that the hours and hours he has spent having "tummy time" it felt like a blade to my heart to see him just lay there content to be listening to music but not interested in going anywhere or looking around. I felt so helpless... I couldn't make him lift his head, I couldn't show him the way. But when HEALTH is on the line it teaches you to be grateful. Since John Michael has had these spasms and I realize their seriousness, that they could dammage his brain more or cause regression, I have been able to lay him down on the floor and just be happy that he is happy and not hurting or scared. I can't fix him. It hurts to say it, but I can't. I don't have many ideas left on why this happened or what I am supposed to do but I am tired of trying to change it.<br />
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I feel like I can breathe a little better. Hopefully this is a good direction for me and not just a more cynical one...<br />
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Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14302576823258207935noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8595734853539308255.post-52878617476864327232013-06-05T19:22:00.000-07:002013-06-06T07:18:19.320-07:00Something's coming...So remember that part about me having to explain everything about myself? Yeah about that... this is me trying really hard not to explain myself.<br />
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Something has happened. Dreams are taking shape. little nubs for legs, the rhythmic beat of a life, the meaningful size of a grain of rice.<br />
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We have come such a long way in this last year. And yet in so many ways I still feel stuck at diagnosis day. Like my psyche hasn't moved on. Well I am working on that part, but a huge journey we have traveled is the thought of more babies after a special baby. When we brought John Michael home after his diagnosis I had a strong desire in my heart to have another baby... SOMEDAY, even if it was far far away. Even though that is what I hoped would be the truth I wept that it might not be a choice. Was it a universal rule that if you have a child who needs extra care there is no way you can add more members to your family? How would I even make it through pregnancy while taking care of a special child let alone have a newborn?!? The thought that if John Michael never learned to nurse and I would never get to be so intimately close and bonded through breastfeeding with another baby ripped my heart. I wasn't ready to say goodbye so unexpectedly to such a special part of my life--my identity!<br />
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I was surrounded by nursing mothers whose babies were held skin to skin, and got that drunk look. All the while the only time I saw that look on my own baby was his first NG tube feeding when he had, for the first time in his life, a full tummy and could relax. Then as the babies grew they gazed in their momma's eyes like she was a magical lady. They reached for her face like she was a flower. It was these little moments of connection that I missed more than anything. I did have it with sound though. I was blessed to know from the very beginning without a doubt. My baby knew my voice. He knew if I had left the room. He lit up when I started singing. I was so glad to have that! And the things John Michael hasn't been able to have made me stand, eyes wide open jaw hanging at all the other babies and children in my life. I love seeing my kids reach for a toy and make the sound that goes with it. That little thing seems miraculous. I love how I just show my young dancers a new step and they follow behind me. Just like that! It is the "life is a miracle" eyes that John Michael has gifted me that put an even stronger desire to grow another baby in my heart. I want to have those eyes with my own baby that I can see them for the miracle they are.<br />
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I can't speak for everyone on this, but it seems that anyone who has had anything happen to their child through loss or trauma either has a strong desire to get pregnant again right away or they can't fathom taking the risk and going through it again. I felt that there was mentally no way I would survive a pregnancy. Even though John Michael's pregnancy was amazing and the birth itself was not traumatic the thought of forming a baby was terrifying. I thought I should probably recover for many years until I was emotionally stable. Then my language changed. Instead of "IF we ever have another baby" it became "when." Then all of a sudden a huge transformation happened in both my husband and I. The details are too close to my heart to just put out there in cyber space but there were two instances where God made it VERY clear to me that not only would we have another child, but that it was HIS way of healing the pain my heart had been through. My husband and I talked and where six months ago we would have said "no way, no how, see ya" we were both on board for what seemed to be our hearts screaming at us even if it didn't seem logical.<br />
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I know I still have a baby. If you think about it even when a woman gets pregnant weeks after giving birth, her baby is usually mobile by the time the newborn comes along. I am not guaranteed this. So it is like choosing to have twins, only one big one little. People have twins right?!? not the end of the world. With the possibility of us moving within a few years time we knew we wanted to have the baby while we still lived here surrounded by our support system who knew firsthand what we have been through and the extra struggles that come with it.<br />
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The amazing thing is it was one of those beautiful one time "okay God if you really are saying we need another baby to heal we are giving you ONE shot." we didn't try for months (or even days) and we knew that timing wise looking ahead in the next year if it didn't happen this one time it would have to wait till we knew our plans for seminary. Re-reading that I realize it sounds like it was a spur of the moment all of a sudden I have a hankering for having a baby. Even though it was sudden it wasn't. It had taken us many miles to get there.<br />
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...and so 7 weeks later, sick as a dog and miserable as ever I have finally come to terms with the fact that the overall the formation of this baby is out of my hands as was John Michael's. So much guilt I carried has been lifted. I really did do the best that I could, as I will this time. When I pray over this baby I say "God protect it..." and I can't help but add "just like you did John Michael." It seems strange, but I recognize even with the severity of the damage He really did protect him. His presence is a daily reminder that God protected him, and still does every day.<br />
I have already had THE conversation with God about placing my order for a typical child who nurses with no problems and go ahead and make it a girl for Juliah! I am sure he gets a good chuckle out of my demands. In my heart I know I am not exempt from more heartache just because I feel like I have gotten my share. I can't hold up the "I already have a special needs child" sign. There are people that have multiple special kids. I can't expect perfect. Though God knows what we need and what kind of child this needs to be. So I leave that up to him. <i>(But I am telling you now if he sees me fit to go through something similar again I will beg to differ).</i><br />
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The amazing thing is the instant transformation that occurred after finding out about this baby. I automatically started seeing John Michael differently. Like all the things that I had lost with him this last year are now put onto someone else. I am sure he is relieved :). Having this baby is stepping out with tremendous faith and courage. It is making a statement that our dreams live on. That what we wanted for us as a family doesn't have to be taken away, we just have to work harder than some to make it happen.<br />
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No matter what, this baby has already become our Rainbow Child. The child that brings signs of hope and new dreams after lots and lots of rain.<br />
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Yes it is crazy. completely. And I am totally NOT in the mood to be pregnant. But I couldn't ignore my heart.<br />
When <a href="http://www.kellehampton.com/" target="_blank">Kelle Hampton</a> found out that her daughter had Down Syndrome she looked at her doctor and said,<br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am going to do this like you have never seen before... and it is going to be amazing."</span><br />
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That is how I feel about this choice. I don't know have anyone close to me that has done this, nor have I. So instead of predicting how hard it will be we are just going to <i><b>pave our own way</b></i>. And it will be awesome.<br />
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I am reading "Nurturing the Soul of Your Family" by Renee Trudeau, and this rings true in this season of life;<br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"It takes tremendous courage and desire to live an awakened life: a life where your actions are in alignment with your deepest values, where you're making decisions that support your family's emotional and spiritual well-being. Is there anything more important? Is there ever a better time than now?"</span><br />
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<b>This baby will be good for each of us in a different way, and we all want it so badly.</b><br />
<br />Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14302576823258207935noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8595734853539308255.post-5080710305641130492013-05-17T10:47:00.000-07:002013-05-17T10:48:29.107-07:00To be understood<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Deep breath. It has taken me the longest time to formulate this post. It is something I am still trying so hard to work through. Loneliness and Isolation are evil twins that only bring pain. Let's back up...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I have a strong desire to be understood. I think that is why if you ask me how I am, you might find yourself getting a really long answer. Maybe if I tell you everything I know about me you will get me. Far fetched?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When we were kids no one in the house was allowed to use the word "weird," no matter what it was you were talking about. I was very sensitive about the word because it was used about me one too many a time. Even though it was meant in jest I didn't like the idea of being unusual. I really didn't like the idea of people talking about me out of ignorance and assuming things without really knowing me. I was desperate to wear glasses or retainers or break a leg because I thought that was normal.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">You must be chuckling a little right?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My life has been pretty unusual by todays standards.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">TO start:</span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My parents have stayed married, even through really hard years.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My spouse and I had not only never dated anyone else, we were virgins when we got married.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I was married 3 months after high school graduation, the only married dancer I knew in college.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Stayed in college while pregnant and took my baby with me to school for a year.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">on and on...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">As the Leading Actor in our own movie we usually feel like all eyes are on us but I felt that at times I really was a different color than everyone else. Though it wasn't until I opened the dance studio that I really realized I was going to have to be okay with being criticized, very likely misunderstood, talked about. It's only natural. I am sure it happens to all teachers of different kinds. You are being evaluated for better or worse. I was thinking this last week that someday if I am not a dance teacher (wwaaa don't even go there) maybe someday I will just be another person again. And then it hit me, my husband is going to be a priest... we will always be talked about. Likely to be misunderstood.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Not everyone has to know my every thought.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I have verbalized almost every feeling I have had to some close friend or another and yet it isn't enough, even with My Love as much as he tries he cannot truly understand my feelings or take away this heavy weight I carry.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">There is only One who has felt this pain and joy, who knows all of my tears and wipes them away.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I have been thinking about this part of my favorite prayer (attributed to St Francis)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"...May I not seek to be understood as to understand..."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I have to get used to being misunderstood. I can't tell every stranger John Michael's life story. I have to settle that desire and turn that passion outward and try to see into the hearts of those around me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I just happen to be listening to Les Miserables and just heard</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> "To love another person is to see the face of God."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Often times I feel completely alone in my grief. Although I always know where to find someone who will listen. I can rarely find someone who understands. Maybe since I don't understand myself. I can't explain this pain or why it torments me so. I wish I could just be completely grace filled and content. But part of praying for a miracle leaves me in a place where I don't want to accept the present or past. If I really believe things will change, which I do, maybe if I just keep floating on the surface this nightmare will pass and I will wake up to the life you all live in. Where you worry about your kids grades or if they are eating the right foods, or what you will do this summer, or how you will sleep train them, or if they will get into college etc. When you think the most stressful part of the day is not having a moment alone in the bathroom, I wish my son could follow me into the bathroom and pull on me. I wish he was draining me of my energy because I was chasing him and cleaning after him as most toddlers are. But my worries aren't like yours. I worry I will outlive him. I worry he will never tell me loves me with his mouth. I worry I will never be able to teach him how to do a Plie as I have my other kids. I worry people will always see us as "different" or "heavy burdened". And I since I am not really the "worrying" type, it is more that I grieve these things. I grieve just the fact that they are a possibility. When a bereaved mother is hurting because not all of her children are there to give her a mother's day card I cry that maybe my son will never be able to color me a picture either, even if he is here right now. I am sure to a person who cannot understand this probably thinks "look at the bright side" but that doesn't acknowledge the hurt. the hole. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I suppose THIS is why I haven't published this post yet. Because I am still not really in the place to know how to end it. I know the things I should focus on and pray through and for. I am sure there will be some delightful words of wisdom I should be ending this with but I don't have any yet. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I am just tired of feeling like I am in the world with you, but not in your world.</span><br />
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Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14302576823258207935noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8595734853539308255.post-1436898851618957102013-02-21T12:09:00.001-08:002018-01-27T13:34:57.694-08:00Sacrifice<br />
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Sometimes I have an AHA! moment that feels profound and like a radical shift in perspective and then I think well maybe this is just me growing up. After all it was only a second ago that I was slipping my fingertips under my parents door in the middle of the night just to be near them.<br />
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Back in November when I had, what shall we say... cracked? I stopped everything and took John Michael to the Rivendell Motherhouse located in Amish country Missouri. Rivendell is a recognized Christian Community of the Episcopal Church, where people come from all over the world for their own spiritual retreat spent in prayer and solitude. They give you a place to sleep in their large cozy farmhouse and feed you. I just wanted 24 hours. 24 hours to pray, to meditate, to ponder, to question, to come clean with God. It wasn't spent in complete silence since I had an adorable snuggle bud vying for my attention. I prayed with the companions in their beautiful chapel services held throughout the day. Best of all, we walked the nature path that surrounds the farm. There was a little tiny dog that lived with the community that showed me the way, I didn't care where we went. The air was so clean and fresh (that kind of oxygen that we miss so much living in the city). Every few yards there was a bench placed under the beautiful trees. We stopped every time. It matched very well with where the prayers were leading me. I started out confessing and confused. <br />
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In the Christian tradition we believe that we are called to a life of sacrifice. I have always been drawn to Romans 12:1 " Therefore I urge you, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God to present your bodies as a living and holy sacrifice, pleasing and acceptable to God. This is your spiritual act of worship."<br />
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I remember talking with my friends about this in high school. Thinking about the practice of human sacrifice. Laying the body on the altar. In this case we are not physically taking a sword to our bodies but we are A LIVING SACRIFICE. We offer up everything in our lives right down to all the decisions we make big and small. <br />
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At the first bench, I had come to the realization I needed to RE-let go of my life. I needed to let go of my bucket list. I had been dealing with feelings of having ALL my dreams for the future being shattered. Even though the truth is with an uncertain future it doesn't mean that I will no longer be able to do anything I had once hoped. I do believe God puts desires in our hearts for a reason. But it hit me that Christ didn't come to this earth to visit Scotland. Let me rephrase that He didn't put ME on this earth to visit Scotland, write a book, become fluent in sign language, live on my dream farm nice and quiet without a care in the world except for milking my cow twice a day and gathering the daily dose of freshly laid eggs. I don't mean that we shouldn't strive to live a fulfilled life. BUT that it is NOT OUR PURPOSE. That would be too selfish. And that is the exact opposite of what Jesus demonstrated for us. His was a life of complete sacrifice, always giving. I do believe that is the purpose for every single person. Live to Give. No one can make it alone. We thrive in community and support and shared love. From romance to childbirth and Anam Cara (soul friends). In that moment I saw that I needed to sacrifice my life... and here was the kicker.... even IF it meant only for ONE person. Just one. IF I had to spend the rest of my life caring for someone who couldn't care for himself. Many people have to give up their life for lots of lives. My mom lives for the work she does in Egypt touching thousands of people. A firefighter goes to work ready to give up his life to save any number of people. Some are more glorious and heroic than others. But what about that quiet mother somewhere who is solely taking care of her grown child who will never leave the home? She feeds him, still changes his diapers, gives him his medication, bathes him, moves him from one position to another. I don't know her name. Neither do you. She has given up all of her life, for this one person. And maybe no one will recognize her sacrifice. And maybe no one will give her an award, or name a hospital after her. Maybe no one will even know to be inspired by her. <br />
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What if I was called to give up my life for one soul? Thankfully I know that I am not that lone woman right now. I have other children to spend my time blessing. I know that my life has been more than the sum of one person.... but what does the future hold? I must let go. I must let go of Africa, Europe, farmland, dancing, teaching, horses, writing, learning, retiring. Because only in letting go will I ever really be free. So many times in my life after I let go, that is when I see God bring it to fruition but the thing about letting go means you are okay even if it doesn't happen.<br />
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That was only profound (for me ) thought one.<br />
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By the time I came out of the woods and stopped at all the benches, John Michael and I were walking around the barn with the sun shining down on us. God spoke to me. We not only get to sacrifice our own lives.... we must give up that of our children. GASP! NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I really don't want to! No, please no! Please let me be the one to control and protect them. I can't even fathom the thought of releasing them into the world someday let alone losing the reigns of their purpose in life. This is the reality even for people who don't believe in God. We know our time with our kids is borrowed and therefore precious. They will be their own persons, they will make their own choices and go their own ways. Even now I desperately wish I could force feed my son to eat only healthy foods, instead he chooses to go to bed hungry. I wish I could force my introverted daughter to tell me everything she is thinking, instead of waiting a week before I hear about her day. I wish I could make my son WAKE up to the body he has been put in, to force him to be curious of his world, instead he is happy to observe. But I knew when God spoke this to me, he was right. I hadn't let go of John Michael's future (or any of my babies). And I needed to. I need to everyday. I have been blessed that their life has been passed through me. God used me as a place to create their physical bodies and they will move on past where I can go. <br />
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Thankfully I am reminded God's intentions are beautiful. and good.... even when things seem bad.<br />
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Only God can follow my teenage daughter on all her dates. Only God can guide my children in their steps. Only God watches my children every second that they sleep. Only God. It is a horse pill to swallow, but it is good. And really it feels better once you let go. Even if you do have to do it everyday.<br />
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Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14302576823258207935noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8595734853539308255.post-79365606131664144492012-12-31T19:15:00.002-08:002012-12-31T19:15:07.549-08:00I need help!we all do actually.<br />
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I heard on the radio recently that there are three kinds of people. People who are going through hard time, people who have just come out of a hard time, and people who are headed into a hard time. Now more than ever before I feel connected to humanity through suffering. Before this year I knew about rough patches, dry seasons, and sadness... but never had I known first hand how the heart can hurt.<br />
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I do believe that the people who are not currently the ones who are suffering have a big responsibilty to care for those who are.<br />
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Even though of course I wish I could rewrite the story of this past year I do appreciate that I feel more connected to humanity now more than ever.<br />
In Maya Angelou's words:<br />
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"<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px; line-height: 18px;">Each one of us has lived through some devastation, some loneliness, some weather superstorm or spiritual superstorm, when we look at each other we must say, I understand. I understand how you feel because I have been there myself. We must support each other and empathize with each other because each of us is more alike than we are unalike."</span><br />
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So many times people have asked what they could do to help us and I have continually said whatever is on your heart. We had so many people bring meals, healthy snacks, bags of groceries, babysitters, financial gifts, housecleaners, prayer warriors, listening ears, comforting shoulders, sustained hugs. If you feel like you are "in a good place." If you feel happy with your life... pour into those around you who are not.<br />
I have only recently opened my eyes to how I was not there for my sister when she was going through chemotherapy. I couldn't see past my own struggles of the time to imagine how I could be of help to her, specifically when she was not asking for help. Here's the deal. Most people DON'T ASK, whether they realize it or not they are begging internally. Perhaps they don't ask because they are too prideful. You know it's true. We all have pride. We don't want to break down and let people see us at our most vulnerable. Perhaps they don't feel worthy enough. Like they have always had to be the one helping someone else and don't know what it is like to even be on the recieving end. Fortunately in my case, I like telling people I need help. I blame it on being the youngest in my family and marrying the oldest in his family. I have spent a lot of years being babied and expecting people to help me. Thankfully my children have stripped me of a lot of my selfishness so I know how to work for others 24/7.<br />
The best way to know how to help someone is to just imagine it was you. In what ways do you feel loved? In what ways do you become easily overwhelmed? Those are the ways that you can show your support and care for someone in need.<br />
I personally love handwritten notes. I have ever since I could write. Too many people have told me they were thinking about me during particular times only they didn't come to tell me until after the fact.. you should tell them right then. send a note in the mail, leave them a long loving voicemail. Scripture, poems, tips that have helped you through a similar struggle. It is wrong to keep quiet.<br />
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Just like with babies, there is no such thing as being spoiled with too much love. Wouldn't it be better to not have enough room in the deep freeze for all the meals, to have to ask visitors to come back, catch up on the texts of encouragement at the end of the day, versus struggling to get dinner made at a decent hour, have no one at your door to hug you, no one sending you messages of love. In this case it ISN'T the thought that counts. When something difficult happens to someone in your life regardless of how close you are to them or how well you know the details you should do something.<br />
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I often have topics on my heart that I stir around for weeks before hashing it all out on here but I felt the need to finally publish this because roles have been reversed. I was just starting to feel the Light shining from within again. Feeling like I have had a reason to sing a song while shopping, or run up the stairs, skip around with the kids. That feeling like I can say I am happy without a tag on the end like "except for...".<br />
The day of the tragedy in Newtown I came to the realization that if that had been me I wouldn't want people to get angry and talk about the sick people in the world or immediately talk about politics I would want people to cry. Weep with me, I would say. Don't say this could have happened to anyone so we are lucky it wasn't us. whew, close one. I can't imagine. No, don't hug your kids extra tight because you slipped through the clutches of this horror. Hug them because I can't hug mine, I'd say.<br />
You know, it is truly the difference between sympathy and empathy. Raise your hand if you like sympathy? Oh poor you, you have cancer. Bummer, your dog just died. That sucks you can't get pregnant.<br />
hmmm seems to me that sentiment almost provokes a slap.<br />
Here is another tidbit, when you tell someone to their face that you appreciate something about your life more because of their suffering, it hurts. So don't do that. By all means think it if you wish. But telling me that you appreciate your baby and the things they can do because my son has not done them yet is inappropriate. It would be like walking up to a parapalegic and saying I am so thankful I can walk. This probably sounds like something you wouldn't do but it slips out much more often than you think.<br />
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You know when Jesus said it is better to give than to recieve? It actually feels better. I would rather have so much breastmilk that I had to give it away than have to be the one receiving hundreds of feedings worth of liquid gold. It's humbling. What do you say for something so priceless... thanks?<br />
There are times in our lives when we can't see beyond the walls of our own home, beyond our own sorrows. And I think that is appropriate. It is too much to take on the cares of the world. But when the tables turn, grab the opportunity to be generous in spirit. In gifts of love and time.<br />
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I have a new friend who has lost a precious little love this week. I have decided the best thing I can do for her is to write her letter. A letter filled with ideas of how to still take care of herself. A letter reminding her that she will be happy again. That good times are still ahead. " I don't know what to say" as so many of us don't when something tragic happens. But I am going to try. I am going to tell her what I wish someone had told me. Even though our pain is different. I don't claim to know what it feels like to lose a child. But I know loss. And I know that any kind of suffering is suffering. If only the people who have been hurt the exact same way could help each other we would all be very lonely.<br />
<img src="http://www.edvard-munch.com/Paintings/love/comfort_3.jpg" /><br />
So please if you are hurting, ask for help. Tell people what to do. Value yourself.<br />
If you are loving life, help someone. Don't wait till they ask. Just decide how you want to be a blessing. That is why you are in the loving life place right now.<br />
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After all "you will reap, what you sow."<br />
<br />Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14302576823258207935noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8595734853539308255.post-1661416170328147232012-11-28T08:26:00.001-08:002012-11-28T09:13:08.498-08:00My new birthmark<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So yes, I did get a tattoo, and all controversary of ink aside, it is very meaningful to me. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">A friend told me that people get tattoos for all sorts of reasons. I think people should also get tattoos for healing. Hear me out...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Let's start with mine. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">People say the best thing special needs children give is the idea of living in the moment. Being grateful for what you have right now. Everyone tells me "take it one day at a time." uhhh sometimes I can only take it fifteen minutes at a time. Literally. I stop looking any further than just fifteen minutes. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The Greeks had two words for time: Chronos and Kairos. Chronos (chronological) time is schedules, beginning, middle, end. It's THE CLOCK! Kairos is this present moment. Divine Opportunity. We can't go back in time or skip a chapter ahead. In a sense there is no yesterday, there is no tomorrow. Our reality could change at anytime. THIS is all you have. This moment. It is easy to lose sight of this when we end up doing the same thing moment after moment, day after day, week after to week. Yes diapers do need to be change AGAIN. Yes your children are hungry AGAIN ( I swear my best days are the days my children are willing to eat anything, better yet get it for themselves :). But there are realities where all that is gone in a matter of moments. Houses burn up, children are kidnapped, people get in accidents. I am not trying to be miss doomsday but just reminding myself of how quickly our lives can change. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I have repeatedly said that the hardest part of our situation is having such an unknown future. The spectrum is so huge for what the possibilities could be. I often told myself in the early days after John Michael's diagnosis that if he turns out doing and being so much more than we imagined I would have wished I didn't worry so much when he was baby. Same as IF our future is much more trying in the future than it is right now.... I would have wished I enjoyed the baby stage without the worry. So there is the lesson. Enjoy the moment, it is all you have.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I am living a life I never planned on living. I honestly can't remember what I thought about special needs babies or what it must be like for their parents before being in this place myself. I probably didn't think about it on purpose. It was just too much. I don't really understand how there are still people who haven't fathomed what this is doing to my heart who are confused at why I feel like darkness is trying to close in on me. This IS MY SON. He means more to me than my own life. He may appear to have always been this way to you. But he was in my body when he was invisible to your eyes. We were one person effected by life together. So what happens to him happens to me. We are going through this as one. He is probably on the better side of it though since he has never known life to be different. He is having a blast right now actually as his sister holds him in her arms. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Since my life has thrust me into a different person, one I didn't know existed. I have a new birthmark. </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I have several actual birthmarks in unusual places when I was born as Michelle Marie Earle. Now as mother to John Michael, a new one has appeared. Behind my knee it says kairos (it looks more like KAIPOS actually for the greek letters). I am not posting a picture because again it wasn't about what it looked like. I want to be branded with this presenet moment. Anytime I wish I could go back or forward or change to a completely different life (the life I thought I could choose to make happen) I look at my birthmark.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I am not worried about not liking in when my skin is old and saggy because I don't believe I chose it. I was born into it. (humor me I know I ACTUALLY did choose to get it and suffer through the 3 minutes... I hate needles. give me all my crazy long births, it was better than having a knife jab to my bone!) I am not worried about the way it will look when I am dressed nice anymore than I would think about what my dress looks like with a scar. It's a part of you. It isn't an accessory.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My friends that went with me decided we should invent a spa like tattoo parlor where you have to go through a few sessions of embracing the changes that have happened in your life before getting your tattoo of symbolism. Maybe you survived cancer, lost a loved one etc. I was actually bawling on the way because of what it meant for me. Then you embrace the person you are now, whether you are there by choice or not.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14302576823258207935noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8595734853539308255.post-13562089273060682822012-10-14T15:51:00.002-07:002012-10-14T20:08:20.817-07:00a sacred actpumping sucks. quite literally.<br />
John Michael's feeding journey has been just that, a journey. One that we are no where near the end of.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DKtosxv4Q6Q/UHtCcLiCu7I/AAAAAAAAAEQ/i_bkCVc_2yk/s1600/DSC03083.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DKtosxv4Q6Q/UHtCcLiCu7I/AAAAAAAAAEQ/i_bkCVc_2yk/s320/DSC03083.JPG" /></a>Since my son was three pounds smaller than my first two children he was much sleepier and for the first two weeks of his life would hardly nurse and never very well. He kept losing weight and by the time we were admitted to the hospital he was under five pounds. Looking back, I think he was eating just enough to not starve himself. I used to look at small babies and think why didn't your mother eat more protein when she carried you. Why isn't she letting you live at the breast? Let me tell you, small babies are hard to nurse. They are hard to hold; hard to smoosh up against a full breast. Right away the attending physicians in the hospital encouraged us to put in the NG tube which if you are as unfamiliar as I was at the time, it is the tube that runs down the nose to the stomach. They kept telling me it was the best option for getting him to start gaining weight and I could still nurse him as much as he wanted and we wouldn't have to go through nipple confusion. At this point we had tried feeding him by syringe and bottles in addition to nursing but it was still a very small amount that we were able to give him before he would tire out. I kept putting it off because I hated the thought of a tube going down his nose unless it was a last resort. Keep in mind this was all before we had any idea about the virus or brain injury so I had no reason to suspect he wouldn't just catch on to nurse in no time. As they continued to run tests to find out why his platelets were low we kept stalling in hopes that he would magically nurse. One of my most treasured memories is when we went down for the CT scan, he had latched on and nursed for a straight HOUR. I wasn't about to take him off for anything, so we walked through the hospital attached to the iv and I kept saying how wonderful he was doing. I could tell the staff was like " uhh babies don't nurse for an hour he is probably just sucking" but I knew otherwise.... my babies can nurse for an hour! I will never forget how it felt when they weighed him the next day and he had gained an ounce. A FREAKING OUNCE! One ounce had never been such a big deal. but it was SUCH A BIG DEAL. However he was still hardly nursing when the flood of doctors came in to tell us the results of the CT that afternoon. Right before they spoke I told them we should go ahead with the NG tube. Of course then the walls came tumbling down and I cried an ocean for the next few days (but that is worth another post of it's own). When they told us that he may never be able to eat I just cried and cried and told Clay "I HAVE to be able to breastfeed him,.... I. HAVE. TO." He gained an ounce per day for the next several weeks, until after three weeks of the tube feedings he started just screaming all the time and I knew something was wrong. After church one Sunday he pulled the tube out of his nose completely and stopped crying instantly. I suspect it was giving him heartburn since that is what adults complain of when they have to use one. I couldn't bear to put it back in again so I thought I would do anything if he could just take a bottle. So we very carefully made the decision to leave it out and see if he gained over the next three days. </div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/--3y3t6KaPvY/UHtCsMGNIaI/AAAAAAAAAEY/XIPBiY3J5CE/s1600/DSC03203.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/--3y3t6KaPvY/UHtCsMGNIaI/AAAAAAAAAEY/XIPBiY3J5CE/s320/DSC03203.JPG" /></a>The hospital staff had told us that some babies don't have the energy or ability to feed themselves (meaning they need a stomach tube for their whole life, which would have been the path after the NG tube). I had no idea if he was capable of taking a bottle well enough to gain but not spend too much energy in the process. It was stressful to say the least. It would take him an hour and a half to drink two ounces! I just prepared myself that when we weighed him again he would have lost and we'd have to reinsert the tube. But I know it was through intercessory that though it was so much work for him he gained weight!! Glory to GOD! I still thank Him for this true miracle. Think about it logically. It isn't very likely that you could go from not having to work for your food (for we know sucking is true work for a baby) to working for all of it. It is miraculous. Still when I go to the neurologist or the speech therapist looks at him, they are amazed at how well he keeps his weight up. He is the size of a typical 6 month old in his height and weight. I do wish that just someone would recognize he is thriving because I am giving him my milk. Thought I know they all think I am just crazy for going to all this trouble, I know what the research shows! Babies who are breastfed often have as much as 10 IQ points higher than those who are not. To a brain injured child that could be the world of a difference.</div>
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pumping sucks. quite literally.<br />
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John Michael's "feeding" journey has been just that. A JOURNEY. and I feel the need heavily to process it out on here even though I am so very far from being done with this journey.<br />
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I have a love hate relationship with my pump. Mostly hate. But I am so blessed to be able to give him MY milk. It took several weeks of pumping before I had enough supply to give him only my milk. I am beyond grateful for the donated breastmilk of close friends, but I did bawl my eyes out the two times he had to have formula. I knew I had to stop being a purist and realize it was better to give him that than to starve him. It is good for me to know that he never had "nipple confusion" where they just prefer the way of a bottle, but that he truly hasn't had the fine motor skills it takes to latch at the breast.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AfBb-fI4qJA/UHtDi8VI-tI/AAAAAAAAAEs/aa8u9Or9DmA/s1600/DSC03324.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AfBb-fI4qJA/UHtDi8VI-tI/AAAAAAAAAEs/aa8u9Or9DmA/s320/DSC03324.JPG" width="240" /></a><b>I have felt for a long time that breastfeeding is really a sacred act. One of the only things left in today's modern times that hasn't changed. At all. Mary breastfed Jesus the same way babies breastfeed today... in momma's loving arms, skin to skin, with milk from one body made just for her baby. </b><br />
<b>I had a friend tell me that it was still really special to give John Michael my milk even if it was a roundabout way. She likened it to drinking pure spring water from the earth. That when we drink the earths water we become part of the earth and when our babies drink our milk they are still a part of us. Immediately I thought of the Eucharist or Communion we take at the Lord's Table. When we receive His body and blood we become one with Him.</b><br />
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I still long to hold my baby at my breast and give him that part of me without having to take the long road. It can be painful to watch nursing mothers coddle their nurslings at the breast. I have wept that loss. But that isn't our path. At least not yet. I don't think I will ever be able to let go of the hope that maybe just maybe someday he will magically latch on. I still bring him to the breast when he is already happy and in a playful mood and even in those few seconds or minutes it does wonders for my heart (and hormones I am sure).<br />
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pumping still sucks. every day. 5-8 times a day, going on six months now, but I can't imagine any other way. I really don't know how long I will hold out, but I can't stop now. Not just yet. Sometimes when I channel my Kairos time I tell my self there was no yesterday, there is no tomorrow. I have never pumped before, I will never pump again. Just now. Just this once. (sound like birth anyone?)<br />
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<br />Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14302576823258207935noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8595734853539308255.post-3944814068336461472012-09-13T11:28:00.001-07:002012-09-13T11:29:45.690-07:00Living with IntentionThe word intention always takes me back to my college ballet days. More specifically, the classes I took from Ms Denise Celestin. (She's divine by the way. She loves purple and teaches Russian technique. Enough said.) She repeatedly reminded us to make every step with intention. <i>Nothing is placed without purpose. </i>Yes, this is incredibly difficult. Mindfullness, vigilance, awareness, eyes always open. You can't have a mindless moment.<br />
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Sounds daunting, but actually ever since then I have loved the word. It has been a slow process, but this year more than before I have sought to LIVE WITH INTENTION.<br />
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As a parent with a special needs baby I realize how you have to always be mindful, always vigilant. We are consistently aware of his body positioning in the way we hold him making sure the tight muscles are relaxed that he is physically working on some part of his body (visualization, head control, leg kicks) even at the same time as going about our daily duties, being present with our children, and just enjoying him as a baby.<br />
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As much as I believe in reason for the way things happen to us and why, I also believe in the freedom to make those choices.<br />
Even when I repeatedly ate fast food during my pregnancy I did it by choice. on purpose. sounds awful doesn't it? It wasn't though because it was just what I had to do in the moment. You know what I mean... you spent way too much time in walmart (the ultimate time sucker) and now you are starving... popcorn chicken it is! Whenever I feel like I am struggling to meet everyone's needs and that inevitably someone is falling short I remind myself what my beloved midwife and friend has repeatedly told me "you do what you can with what you have." I accept that I can't be the best chef, maid, therapist, doctor and best friend to my kids all the time.<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-XO7aMJ9vMB4/UFIkxhnXJ-I/AAAAAAAAAD4/LUntrtE04PY/s1600/DSC03878.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-XO7aMJ9vMB4/UFIkxhnXJ-I/AAAAAAAAAD4/LUntrtE04PY/s320/DSC03878.JPG" width="320" /></a>This brings me to a virus. Something that happened to my family because we don't live in a sterile world. The number one prevention for cmv is handwashing. I had never been an avid handwasher or germaphobe. Every story I have read from parents with cmv babies says the same thing.... "I had never heard of cmv before". There are more babies born with cmv than downs syndrome we just don't know it because 80% of the babies don't show any signs of it and go on to live "normal" lives. The most common transfer of the virus is through fluids (snot, sweat, tears etc ) particularly sexual relations or children's urine. I am a dance teacher to little kids, my husband is a public school teacher, my daughter was in preschool and my toddler was potty learning during my pregnancy. There are a million different ways that I (and my whole family ) would have contracted the virus without even knowing it. There are two things to learn here 1. WASH YOUR HANDS. I don't look back and think why I didn't I wash my hands ALL THE TIME....(actually I often think what if the person I had contracted it from washed their hands too?) just all of us all the time WAAAASHHHH. not just for cmv for everything!! I am still not a germaphobe. I still don't wash my hands every single time I should but this has made me believe in the rare percentage. Someone could be talking about anything and say "ya but the percentage is so small".... still to that one person it is very real. I haven't spent a lot of time in the "what if" place* and that brings me to number 2. If I went back I wouldn't have done anything differently... intention. I knew letting my son run around our house naked was a sanitary issue but it was also the way we were able to communicate how we as humans eliminate our waste. I wouldn't go back in time and not put my daughter in preschool, which she loved and gave me the much needed naptime with my toddler. I wouldn't go back and refuse every runny nosed child that came to the studio ( I wouldn't have any students! :). I would do everything the same, because I did it with intention.<br />
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Making choices with mindfullness and not roaming around in mindlessness...</div>
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**by the way the what if place is a wretched dark hole... don't go there. EVER. The second you think WHAT IF even though you want to start thinking about the other possible outcomes just GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!</div>
Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14302576823258207935noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8595734853539308255.post-86492120549167084752012-08-17T10:29:00.003-07:002012-08-17T10:29:43.874-07:00He is ever before my eyesI have been clinging to the vision that God gave me at the very beginning of my labor with John Michael. In fact I wasn't even sure what was going on or how it could possibly be labor ( I threw up for the first twelve hours during the contractions). As I sit soaking in the bath I had this image that Christ was kneeling beside me on the bathroom floor pouring water on my back. I immediately knew it wasn't my own thought because I wouldn't picture Jesus the way I had seen Him and I never would have put Him on my bathroom floor! But in that moment I knew what He was showing me; that<b> He was with me for the long hall. </b>It brings tears to my eyes every time I think of it. After a three day labor I thought that was why He had given me that image.... indeed it has served a much bigger purpose since then. The birth was nothing in comparison to the road, the uncommon road, we would have to travel.<div>
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I have been blessed by the words from Psalm 108:</div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>"Dont forget His Love...</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>who forgives all our sins,</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>who heals all our diseases,</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>who redeems our life from the pit</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>and who crowns you with His love."</i></span></div>
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I have had so many thoughts and not enough time to process them, I wanted to start this blog to help me with that. The events that occurred around John Michael's birth, looking back, had so much purpose, so I will be mentioning it frequently. Instead of one long birth story it will be woven in. </div>
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The future is so uncertain and that I am not so special that I am the only one who can say that. All of our earthly futures are completely uncertain. I repeatedly tell myself not to compare but the only way I have been able to do that is see that we are on our own road. Unlike any of my friends' or their children's. And that doesn't mean I am alone. My family is walking it with me as best they can, although there will always be more heartache for the mother than anyone else will know. This isn't a sob story. This is already a victorious miracle! We have a very good life and we are thankful.</div>
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on a side note: I am usually only able to type one handed and I don't proofread much... so be prepared.</div>
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Michellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14302576823258207935noreply@blogger.com3