I am not going to get all theological or philosophical on you. This post is about three instances this year that I have gone through that repeatedly amazed me with how closely related they were to Scripture. This is just about me personally. This isn't me trying to prove anything other than the fact that an ancient book has a way of making me feel completely and totally NOT alone anymore.
Whenever I process something I have to get out it, usually multiple times. So if it was a bad day, I have to tell my husband, if it was really bad I tell my husband and my best friend. When I am processing something emotionally or trying to wrap my head around a new perspective I tell lots of people. People that care, mind you. People that know they are on my "I-process-things-through-opening-up-to-you" list. I don't even do this intentionally but apparently the need to hear myself say something over and over again convinces me of it's truth. This has happened a lot over the last year and half, as you can imagine, with all these shiny life lessons I get to learn through suffering (can you tell I am gritting my teeth through that sentence.. still smiling!).
One of my more recent thoughts that I kept repeating was "I can think of a lot more people better equipped for this than myself." no REALLY. Did you want a list God because I have a good one. I mean I have friends that are so good at being selfless and accepting, and at the same time they are the best researchers--- they will find an answer to every mystery. They would be awesome "special" parents. Instead of myself, whom hates trying to find answers, doesn't trust medicine, gets really frustrated by uncoordinated people, plus let's add in that I am super emotional and sentimental about everything! I had such little exposure to people who lived differently, who's bodies worked differently. This is uncharted territory for me--- and I am not comfortable! (Fist shaking upward). Eh hem... composure. So in this repetitive phrase of "I am not cut out for this/there are better people for the job" my friend asked me....
"Didn't Moses say that?"
maybe.
yes.
He WAS waaaay underqualified. Oh stuttering Moses. I get you. What a big HUGE thing God asked of you that you were not comfortable with. (If you don't know what I am talking about this is where you go read yourself some Bible)
Once I had this reminder, that God does this all.the.time. I realized why. Remember how it brings Him Glory to choose people who it is obviously not by their own merit that anything good happens? If God gave John Michael to a Physical Therapist/alternative medicine guru, we could all look at her and say wow she is awesome! Look at how good she is at that and all the amazing things her son can do because she is so cut out for that! God always brings us to depend on him. Just like our babies depend on us, it is only fitting. He equips us in the moment with the wisdom and strength we need, not usually ahead of time.
The second instance is from way back earlier this year before I was pregnant and I actually did some hard core running. Hard core for me. Which meant running for five minutes without stopping for a break (there is a reason I am a dancer). Whenever my nervous system had to release all this pent up emotion I would go for a run and somehow feel like if I ran really fast all my problems would be solved. I could imagine I was running to get out of the dark cloud or sometimes I would imagine I was running towards John Michael, choosing him. This particular time I was running, I was in prayer. I do believe that God seeks to be Glorified in all things. Because if everything that is good is of Him, and if the only way for us to know anything good is to know Him then of course He wants to point us to... Him. As I was praying I was being convicted of this, that He sought to be glorified through John Michael. And I cried out ,
"BUT IF THERE WAS ANY OTHER WAY!!!!!!!"
Who said that? hmmmm someone did. Yes that is definately in the Bible. You probably already know but I think it took me a minute. Let me tell you, my Jesus, knowing the suffering that was coming, cried out to God and said "If there was any other way." If you, God, would be more glorified in an overnight healing of John Michael-- do that! If more people would look to the heavens giving thanks to you for seeing him make steady progress, or how about this... when he grows up he can be a speaker like Gianna Jessen? Or a singer like Andrea Bocelli? Do those things, choose those God. They bring glory right?
I actually wrote this to my breast cancer warrior recently. We like to think that we know the best outcome is her healing. But just for a moment what if it is not? How can I know? I don't have eternal vision. I can't even picture my life 10 years from now. I wish so much that there was another way, but what if this IS the best way? What if I will be blessed the most by his not-healing? I don't know the answer, and I won't. But I do know that Jesus ended that prayer by saying "Not my will but YOURS."
Give that a minute before we go to the last one...
The most recent story is a dance studio one! Sometimes I feel like doing an expose on the life of a dance teacher. It should be all sparkly and happy and little girls giggling right? That would be awesome. That is why I do this after all. For my students. Thankfully the mama drama that comes out isn't as bad as Abby Lee Dance Co. (SIGH) but it is still there. When I was thinking about this in bed this morning I realized this is a normal part of life. I mean everyone has a riff with co-workers or clients? Isn't that routine for working with people? I don't handle it very well. I want every to LIKE me. I want us all to be friends. I don't like the smell of burning bridges. Something happened this year and it basically boils down to I am not being forgiven for something I didn't do. (That is not a typo.)This was earlier in the year, and I am still thinking about it. I seem to have trouble letting go of something that isn't even in my control. I was thinking about how desperately I want to be forgiven, how it hurts to take the blame for something when your intentions are good, when I saw again Jesus, only this time on the cross. I never really thought about his emotional pain. The physical would have been enough, but the pain of being hated by people you love, the pain of people being ungrateful for your gift, the pain of blamed while you are innocent. Jesus was only ever LOVE. If someone must take the blame for this person's hurt, I will take it. If you choose to not forgive me when I only ever gave Love, I will try to be like Him who suffered much more than I. Now that I think of it this applies to a lot of people. This situation is not unique to me. I am sure you have people in your life that misunderstood you and because of such treated you harshly. I am not saying we are all innocent. I am sure more often than not we are wrong in our actions and should be sorry, we are selfish.
So this whole idea that the Bible is outdated doesn't even make sense to me. There are feelings and experiences that every human naturally goes through and that hasn't changed.
And you CAN find comfort in an ancient book.
