I swore, in my mind, that I wouldn't write another post until I had attempted to write up Little E's birth story (with photos).
I haven't written anything about it anywhere (Oh how I wish I had a few more moments in my day for journaling) since its occurance... one year ago!! So this will be hopefully short and to the point and yet very meaningful.
First off, I had made this fabulous centering, tear jerking playlist so play one of my songs in the background while you read...
"I have never loved someone..."
and of course for my angel
"waiting on an angel"
REALLY you have to have one playing while you read...
Knowing what I know now, giving birth to a well child after a very disabled child is one of the best decisions my husband and I have ever made. It may not be for everyone but in my heart I knew it was what I needed. I even felt it directly from God that life must continue on.
There were not many times when I was worried that she would be healthy or not. I knew she was her very own seperate person.
I worked with a hypnotherapist to come to terms with some of the untapped thoughts I was still processing from carrying John Michael. Just the pain of the unknown and the shocking chance of life. I knew I couldn't waste anytime in labor worrying about this new baby. I had to work that out before the first contraction ever started. Through lots of wonderful conversations with my doula, close friends and husband. Lots of prayer, meditation, the hypnotherapy and EFT tapping. I was able to come as far as possible in my healing journey. For, after all you cannot speed up healing. It has its own waves and curves, and sharp turns around the bend.
I remember one especially meaningful conversation during the prodromal labor phase where a soul sister told me that if I needed to I could birth this baby all by myself. No support whatsoever. That I was mentally and physically capable of birthing her with just her and me and God. It was like the thought had never occured to me. If I was somewhere all alone this baby would still be born. I didn't need rescuing I just need to fall into labor releasing my body to the torrents it would take me through, just like life.
Her words felt like a burst of oxygen. Enlightening and airy. What a realization.
In my first three births, and my personality in general, I was very "needy" in a somewhat normal way when laboring. To the point where I never wanted to be alone. That I feared anytime Clay would need to pee. I wanted four hands on me, my shoulders my feet my hands, at all times. Someone to tell me what to do.
This time was different.
The great benefit of laboring and stopping every day for days is that you are ready to do whatever it takes to finally and truly be in "active" labor and finish this race!
And so I was...
For the third night in a row labor had started and I had tried to sleep through the most intense contractions...
until it was clear that wasn't a choice anymore.
Praying and singing with Holy Mary was my saving grace. She knew suffering let me tell you...
most babies are born in the middle of the night (especially when they have siblings.) All of my babies have been SUN babies waiting till daylight. not little e. she came during dreams, and was greeted by sleepy faces...
Daddy is reassuring John Michael that he is still our baby too and it's safe to let more love in
practically perfect in every way.
and so the bond begins!
THE moment. babies still get weighed this way :)
I haven't written anything about it anywhere (Oh how I wish I had a few more moments in my day for journaling) since its occurance... one year ago!! So this will be hopefully short and to the point and yet very meaningful.
First off, I had made this fabulous centering, tear jerking playlist so play one of my songs in the background while you read...
"I have never loved someone..."
and of course for my angel
"waiting on an angel"
REALLY you have to have one playing while you read...
Knowing what I know now, giving birth to a well child after a very disabled child is one of the best decisions my husband and I have ever made. It may not be for everyone but in my heart I knew it was what I needed. I even felt it directly from God that life must continue on.
There were not many times when I was worried that she would be healthy or not. I knew she was her very own seperate person.
I worked with a hypnotherapist to come to terms with some of the untapped thoughts I was still processing from carrying John Michael. Just the pain of the unknown and the shocking chance of life. I knew I couldn't waste anytime in labor worrying about this new baby. I had to work that out before the first contraction ever started. Through lots of wonderful conversations with my doula, close friends and husband. Lots of prayer, meditation, the hypnotherapy and EFT tapping. I was able to come as far as possible in my healing journey. For, after all you cannot speed up healing. It has its own waves and curves, and sharp turns around the bend.
I remember one especially meaningful conversation during the prodromal labor phase where a soul sister told me that if I needed to I could birth this baby all by myself. No support whatsoever. That I was mentally and physically capable of birthing her with just her and me and God. It was like the thought had never occured to me. If I was somewhere all alone this baby would still be born. I didn't need rescuing I just need to fall into labor releasing my body to the torrents it would take me through, just like life.
Her words felt like a burst of oxygen. Enlightening and airy. What a realization.
In my first three births, and my personality in general, I was very "needy" in a somewhat normal way when laboring. To the point where I never wanted to be alone. That I feared anytime Clay would need to pee. I wanted four hands on me, my shoulders my feet my hands, at all times. Someone to tell me what to do.
This time was different.
The great benefit of laboring and stopping every day for days is that you are ready to do whatever it takes to finally and truly be in "active" labor and finish this race!
And so I was...
For the third night in a row labor had started and I had tried to sleep through the most intense contractions...
until it was clear that wasn't a choice anymore.
Right as things got serious, the power went out. For a moment I panicked and prayed that it would return soon so that the baby would be warm when born, forgetting completely that no electricity would have meant no water birth as planned either.
Soon my lovely doula arrived smelling like coffee and smoke but feeling like warmth and peace.
she comforted me like a wise mother hen.
but also gave me space and watched over me...
( I love that picture. She looks like a queen)
Clay was and has always been my rock, his presence my instant grace
I remember, for the first time, feeling willing to work with my contractions instead of wasting energy resisting them. It was my most determined birth.
This is what Love can do. Love can carry you through the biggest moments of your life. I cannot fathom creating a birth day without being surrounded by love.
The power returned. Thankfully in time to fill the birth tub with hot water.
what gets the baby in gets the baby out.... LOVE
Praying and singing with Holy Mary was my saving grace. She knew suffering let me tell you...
I remember the feeling of Eleanor's entrance. I remember saying "I don't have to do this ever again if I don't want to.....
and just like that with a whoosh my doula caught her. Her first catch! and all the magic in the world was present there at the moment.
I said "I needed her. so much"
she and I had processed a lot that pregnancy and she was bringing me to another world of healing.
born at home, born with love, surrounded and greeted by family
SHE WAS OUR RAINBOW BABY
the first food after birth is always the best. curry chicken salad this time
now I love placentas. Your babies sibling that grows and nourishes with him. I love how amazing they are and beatiful. Eleanor's had some abnormalities. See the Y shaped attachment. Sometimes babies get their little feet in there and detach it. Even though it doesn't always mean danger it was just another reason to be grateful.
Daddy is reassuring John Michael that he is still our baby too and it's safe to let more love in
practically perfect in every way.
prayed and prayed for a sister
and so the bond begins!
THE moment. babies still get weighed this way :)
Yummy and FRESH.
Eleanor Brighid Calhoun
1/29/14
